Brian's a funny man

I have a friend name Brian. Actually, I have a number of friends named Brian, but this one in particular is especially talented at written humor. More than once I’ve suggested that he submit some of his work to The Onion and quit his day job as a consultant, but to no avail.

Anyways, while I was looking for photos of myself as Martini Jesus to no avail the other day, I ran across a couple of fake workplace announcements Brian had written years ago. They were just as amusing as I recalled them being so I thought I’d share them here.

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BEAR ALERT

As many of you know, there have been a number of recent reports of a large dog-like animal, possibly a bear, in the Torrance area. Authorities are continuing to search for the animal but have not been able to track or trap it. We want to provide the safest working environment possible and so have provided the following tips. Feel free to share these tips with family members or friends who live and/or work in the Torrance area.

• Do not purchase or consume honey until the animal has been caught.
• If possible, have meat delivered to your home instead of carrying it from a grocery store to your car and from your car to your home. Bears have highly acute senses of smell and could break into your car because of the smell, even if you have removed the meat.
• If you discover a bear in your car do not attempt to remove it yourself, and do not give it the keys. You may want to take a picture, though.
• Bears are excellent climbers and large bears have the strength to uproot trees that are too small for them to climb. Do not climb a tree to escape a bear. However, bears are not good diggers. If you have access to a shovel, you can dig a hole to hide in. Be sure to leave a hole for air. Do not attempt to dig through pavement.
• Bears are not as easily confused as dogs. If a bear charges you, throwing a ball is unlikely to distract it.
• If you are attacked by a bear, playing dead can be effective; the bear may leave you alone entirely or at least not cause critical injuries. It is not wise to play dead in the middle of a street.
• Examine the size of the bear that is attacking you. Is it a cub? If it is a cub you are probably bigger and stronger than the bear. You may be able to extract yourself from the situation by throwing the cub away from you. Throwing the cub at another human is not an effective way of protecting your community.
• Bears are not as reliant on sight as humans, but blindfolding an attacking bear will give you a better chance of escaping.
• If you encounter a hibernating bear, do not attempt to wake it up. You can tell if a bear is hibernating by opening its eyes and observing the level of pupil dilation.

Remember that if you see a bear on the ****** campus you should not approach the animal. The bear is undoubtedly confused and disoriented, and it may become hostile if approached. Call security and wait for the authorities to respond. If you have a steak or other food, you may toss it toward the animal to keep the bear in the area so that it can be captured. Note that ****** vehicle warranties and most insurance companies do not cover deliberate collision with a bear, so do not attempt to run it over.

We will follow this up with future communications to keep you appraised of safety concerns in the Toyota campus area.

-The ****** Campus Safety Team